This is what either went through my head or I actually said out loud during the game tonight.
OK, the Pirates have lost a few in a row let's look who is throwing for the Cubs.
[checks probable starters]
Oh man, Randy Wells. Randy f'ing Wells. This is going to be a win and start us on a little streak.
Top of the first inning
Good Lord the most unlucky inning in the world. One hard hit ball and the Cubs have the f'in lead.
Bottom of the first inning
Garrett Jones IS THE GREATEST HITTER EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR. THERE IS NO WAY WE LOSE THIS, WE ARE GOING TO HIT LIKE A MILLION HOME RUNS OFF RAndy Wells!
Top of the Second inning
Tyler Colvin hit that ball like a million feet. Jesus Kevin Correia doesn't have it tonight.
[like 18 seconds later]
Aramis Ramirez hit that ball like a million feet. Jesus Kevin Correia isn't good at home.
Top of the third inning
Geovany Soto?!?!? How does he hit a home run. Why is Kevin Correia still in this game? Well, it can't get much worse than this.
Alfonso Soriano hit that ball like a million feet. Well, at least nobody was on base for this one.
Top of the fourth inning
OK, Tony Watson has been good this year, no way he can...#*&$ ANOTHER HOME RUN. DAMN YOU Marlon Byrd.
Well, I mean what worse can happen [turns head back to TV] Soriano. Again. Well, at least we scored a run or two.
You know, if we would have traded all our prospects for Hunter Pence we would so be winning this game.
Top of the fifth inning
WE WENT AN INNING WITHOUT GIVING UP A RUN!!!! WE ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!!
Bottom of the fifth inning
[Xavier Paul leads off the inning to pinch hit]
Well, great, maybe the worst pinch hitter in major league baseball is supposed to get us going down eight runs.
Top of the sixth inning
[Paul replaces Andrew McCutchen in center field]
Welp, I guess that should do it. Gold Glove defensive replacement, shitty pinch hitter extraordinaire Xavier Paul is in for Andrew McCutchen.
Top of the seventh
[the booth tells us that the Cubs have six home runs tonight]
Why am I still watching this game?
Jesus. Paul is f'in awful.
There is no way Darwin Barney is a real person.
[Barney gets a hit]
He still isn't real.
Bottom of the seventh
Had no idea Ramon Ortiz was still alive.
[dugout shot of Garrett Jones and Andrew McCutchen]
[Jones tried to eat some sunflower seeds and missed his mouth. With all of them.]
How bad can this get?
[Ortiz strikes out Ronny Cedeno and Michael McKenry]
Top of the eighth
Man, ROOT is going to make tomorrow nights game unwatchable trying to do a million things at one. That should be awesome.
I wonder if Joel Hanrahan is still alive? Maybe the pen sacrificed him in the bullpen to feed themselves.
Bottom of the eighth
GARRETT JONES HAS ANOTHER HOME RUN!!!! MVP MVP MVP MVP
[Brandon Wood goes deep]
What a rally killing hit.
Top of the ninth
Well, turns out that Joel Hanrahan is still alive. Thank God he is out there to keep this gap at only six runs.
[ROOT goes to crowd shot]
Wow, that was only the 1,496,043,592nd crowd shot tonight. So glad I watched to see who was in the stands tonight. You know what ROOT, screw it, unless there is a naked chick or the President of the United States in the stand you don't need to show anyone. It doesn't make me "feel like I am there"
Bottom of the ninth
McKenry, Paul, Diaz start our last hope. This ought to end well.
Well, if the first four innings didn't count then the Pirates would have won 4-1. Silver linings.
[Bob Walk talks about catcher ERA's]
Whatever. Cubs suck